


it's called: freefall

by orphan_account



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack Treated Seriously, Multi, Texting, its a chatfic guys i dont know what else to say, its the same as canon except nothing is wrong besides normal high school drama, possibly claude/byleth later, sylvain/felix is pre-slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-13 03:03:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20167081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Byleth makes a Discord server for the Garreg Mach Monastery™, which inevitably leads to chaos.-con bi :oh miku, we’re really in for it nowcreeper :@everyonecreeperlegends of ashe :aw manno ears :aw man





	it's called: freefall

**Author's Note:**

> **nicknames and their real names, bc even i got Confused**
> 
> \- golden deer
> 
> no ears - lorenz  
con bi - hilda  
sıɥʇ s,ʇɐɥʍ oʍo - claude  
horse girl - marianne  
sassy lost child - lysithea  
M E A T - raphael  
art tm - ignatz  
jeralt's #1 fan - leonie
> 
> \- blue lions  
dimitri - dimitri  
dedue - buff boy  
creeper - sylvain  
aw man - felix  
barbie girl - ingrid  
smol - annette  
soft - mercedes  
legends of ashe - ashe
> 
> \- black eagles
> 
> edel-guard - edelgard  
edgy tm - hubert  
let me Rest - linhardt  
be gay do crime - caspar  
petra - petra  
pretty (hot) - dorothea  
yeet - bernadetta  
ferdie - ferdinand
> 
> \- faculty
> 
> *sips tea* fuck - byleth  
boomer - seteth  
crest kink - hanneman  
stacy's mom - mannuela  
atheist? die - rhea  
flan - flayn  
butch lesbian - catherine  
looks like she could kill you - shamir

**Garreg Mach Monastery™**

**-**

_ #the-dear-deer _

**no ears : ** hilda. hilda give me back my fucking nickname priviliages

**con bi :** now why would i do that, silly ;3

**no ears :** claude i’m going to murder you

**sıɥʇ s,ʇɐɥʍ oʍo :** i’d love to see you try, lorenz. honestly. 

**sıɥʇ s,ʇɐɥʍ oʍo :** but how will you find me without any ears

**horse girl :** claude,, please just give him his nickname back,,

**sıɥʇ s,ʇɐɥʍ oʍo :** sorry, no can do

**sassy lost child :** claude change my nickname back too or for the love of seiros i can and will turn you into dust

**sıɥʇ s,ʇɐɥʍ oʍo :** **@*sips tea* fuck** teach!!! im getting death threats sniff sniff

***sips tea* fuck : ** perish

**M E A T :** i don’t see what’s wrong with our nicknames !!!

**art ™ : ** of course you dont, raph, you would probably die for meat

**no ears :** im leaving golden deer blue lions is my new best friend

**con bi : ** aww,, lorenz !!! if you go into blue lions i can’t tell my brother about you :(

**horse girl :** lorenz, i’m sorry, this is probably my fau

**sıɥʇ s,ʇɐɥʍ oʍo : ** marianne that is the opposite of true he just has no ears and assaults me on a regular basis

**jeralt’s #1 fan :** claude,,,,,

**sassy lost child :** that one isn’t really wrong though, even if mine is

**con bi : ** in his defense at least he’s being accurate 

**art ™ :** in his defense what the fuck

***sips tea* fuck :** i’m not changing my positions on lead/admin status even if hilda doesn’t do anything with hers

***sips tea* fuck : ** although if someone happens to steal some of claude’s poison and uno reverse it i wouldn’t notice

**sıɥʇ s,ʇɐɥʍ oʍo :** TEACH

**sıɥʇ s,ʇɐɥʍ oʍo :** YOU DON’T MEAN THAT DO YOU

***sips tea* fuck : **

**sıɥʇ s,ʇɐɥʍ oʍo :** TEAHC !!!!1

-

_ #blue-lion-group _

**dimitri : ** why am i lead i dont know what a discord is

**creeper :** maybe thats why the professor made me admin, im  _ super  _ good with this shit

**aw man :** thats only because you spend all your training time looking at memes on other servers

**aw man :** SYLVAIN CHANGE MY DAMN NICKNME BEFORE I SHOW THAT BOAR HOW TO BAN YOU

**barbie girl :** who the hell put dimitri in charge of a discord

***sips tea* fuck :** hanneman thought it’d be a good idea

***sips tea* fuck :** “he’s the house leader he should be one of the highest role hehe xd” i do not give a shit just dont ban ppl

**smol :** p,,professor????

***sips tea* fuck : ** mm

***sips tea* fuck :** don’t kill yourselves while im gone claude’s done some dumb shit in the golden deer chat already

**buff boy :** I’ll do my best, professor.

**legends of ashe :** out of all the people in blue lions dedue would be the one to use proper grammar in a shitpost chat huh

**dimitri :** shitpost???

**barbie girl :** and nobody’s surprised about that one either

**creeper : ** mdude we gotta get you sum internet exposre before i fuckin die 

**aw man :** if he makes a single vine reference from goddamn 2016 in my presence i will be convicted of murder because you’ll be dead, sylvain

**creeper :** ouch !! ur own best friend??

**creeper ** :  cryingcat.png

**smol :** sylvain b like “on god we gon get u sum pussy bro” and then he hands dimitri a book of memes

**soft :** how does that burn feel sylvain? do you need some water?

**creeper :** if it were not for the laws of this land-

-

_ #red-eagles _

**edel-guard :** is there a reason why our name isn’t black eagles or are all the braincells with the other houses today

**edgy ™ : ** humor

**let me Rest :** this is the opposite of humor

**be gay do crime :** yeah because you would definitely know linhardt

**be gay do crime :** its not like you fall asleep whenever i try to show you something funny that would be awful oh no >:0

**petra ** : i can feel the… salt? is that right?

**pretty (hot) :** you’re doing wonderful sweetie

**petra :** uwu

**yeet :** this is the most wholesome thing i’ve seen all day 

**ferdie : ** you never leave your room

**yeet : ** shut the fuck up before i eat your jorts, coward

**edel-guard : ** bernadetta what the hell

**edgy ™ ** : she’s surprisingly vulgar online. i saw her in a forum once for some game or another, and she was vicious

**yeet :** WA,,,WAIT YOU SAW ME IN A FORUM

**be gay do crime :** ,,, which forum

**edgy ™ :**

**pretty (hot) :** hubert.

**edgy ™ : **

**be gay do crime :** **_HUBERT WHICH FUCKING FORUM_**

-

_ #faculty _

* **sips tea* fuck : ** so this is going well

**boomer :** I wouldn’t say that…

***sips tea* fuck :** of course not boomer

**boomer :** What does that mean?

**stacy’s mom :** my class is doing well i suppose

**stacy’s mom : ** im hoping that bernadetta gets some bonding time with the others this way

**boomer :** What does it mean

**crest kink :** my class is doing well but this nickname is awful. byleth, please

***sips tea* fuck :** it’s the will of the goddess, she lives in my head and calls me a bitch

**atheist? die :** byleth…

**boomer :** WHAT DOES IT MEAN

**flan :** brother its

**flan :** brother its fine i promise

**boomer : ** For some reason, I do not believe you.

**butch lesbian :** why am i here…

**looks like she could kill you : ** suffer with me. the children are amusing anyway

***sips tea* fuck :** oh. who gave bernadetta admin rights

**stacy’s mom :** i didnt

**crest kink :** i didn’t either, why

***sips tea* fuck : ** she made a new channel, this should be fun

-

_ #three-braincells _

**yeet ** : i leave this here and will now leave

**sıɥʇ s,ʇɐɥʍ oʍo : ** OH FUCK YEAH

**con bi :** oh miku, we’re really in for it now   
  


**creeper : @everyone** creeper 

**legends of ashe :** aw man

**no ears :** aw man

**barbie girl : ** so we back in the mine

***sips tea* fuck :** got my pickaxe swinging from side to side

**sıɥʇ s,ʇɐɥʍ oʍo : ** side, side to side

**boomer :** what is this?

**crest kink : ** oh god, seteth, you really screwed yourself over now

**sıɥʇ s,ʇɐɥʍ oʍo :** >:0

**creeper :** >:0

**be gay do crime :** im about to end this man’s whole career

**let me Rest :** eat his jorts babe

***sips tea* fuck :** the goddess has cursed me for my hubris and my work is never finished

**edel-guard : ** ur being dramatic professor

***sips tea* fuck : ** im being literal edelgard

**jeralt's #1 fan : ** yeah one time i heard her in her room when i was passing back out clothes

**jeralt's #1 fan : ** she was talking to someone named sothis

**sıɥʇ s,ʇɐɥʍ oʍo : ** teach dont go crazy ahh go stupid on us now

**atheist? die : ** sothis?

***sips tea* fuck : ** you probably didnt hear me right ive never heard of that name in my life 

**sassy lost child : ** i guess claude has all the braincells 2day bc you cant lie to save ur life

**yeet : ** do we need to like take u to a psychiatrist

***sips tea* fuck : ** shut the hell up i know where you sleep at night

**art ™ : ** we also know where you sleep at night?

**be gay do crime : ** ill kill you first

**let me Rest : ** caspar if you go to jail without me i'll go into a coma

**stacy's mom ** : you're already in a coma for most of my class

**soft : ** wow, everyone's going to need a lot of ice today

**smol : ** mercedes i lvoe you (platonically) so fuckign much

**soft : ** i love you too annette 💕💕

**creeper : ** felix why cantyou tell me you love me :((((

**aw man : ** i'll tell you i love you when you can beat me in a spar for once, idiot

**buff boy : ** Sylvain, I can help you train if you so desire. 

**creeper : ** sounds good to me dedue, tyyy

**dimitri : ** is everyone going to ignore ignatz's death threat

**M E A T : ** i have no objections !!! i'll hold her down ignatz >:3

**no ears : ** did you just use >:3 

**M E A T : ** marianne taught me !!! we talked in birdie for a while

**horse girl : ** :3

**con bi : ** thats,,, adorable fuck

**con bi : ** my heart cant take it

**edgy ™ : ** go be gay somewhere else, hilda

**con bi : ** i do what i want 

**boomer : ** i'm very confused.

**sıɥʇ s,ʇɐɥʍ oʍo : ** good !! all part of the newest scheme

**legends of ashe : ** oh lord not again

**barbie girl : ** you're almost as bad as sylvain

**creeper : ** hey ! 

**creeper : ** at least i dont keep mild sTOMACH POISON in my dorms !!!

**boomer : ** claude has poison in his dorms?

**sıɥʇ s,ʇɐɥʍ oʍo : ** sylvain. i hope you can run fast.

***sips tea* fuck : ** no murder just incapacitation

***sips tea* fuck : ** and claude doesnt keep poison, he just makes that up

**dimitri : ** i dont believe you

**con bi : ** snitches get stitches dimitri

**buff boy : ** please do not hurt the prince

**aw man : ** what about sylvain? can i hurt him

**barbie girl : ** save ur murdering for the bedroom felix

**MEE6 : aw man has left. aww, what went wrong? :(**

**ferdie : ** we have,,, mee6 in this chat?

**ferdie : ** oh god,,,

**yeet : ** mee6 i am going to beat you to death

**crest kink** **: **children,,,

**sassy lost child : ** not a child

**crest kink : ** im like 50. you're a child to me

**creeper : ** teach, do i get extra points for being able to successfully gather intel?

**aw man : ** you arent sylvain

**edel-guard : ** its claude isnt it

***sips tea* fuck : ** did you steal sylvain's phone

**creeper : ** caught me ;3

**creeper : ** found out his password, too

**barbie girl : ** how the fuck

**discord : aw man has flown in! what's up?**

**aw man : ** i havent been able to find sylvain's password for years

**dimitri : ** how did you do it

**creeper : ** waterboarding

**boomer : ** WHAT?!

**creeper : ** haha just kidding he keeps it in his udnakdhksjdjwjfiwidjw

**creeper : ** im going to beat claude to death brb

**petra : ** just another manic monday

**pretty (hot) : ** wish it was sunday

**looks like she could kill you : ** we're all going to hell. 

**Author's Note:**

> oh sothis, we're really in for it now
> 
> [ quick note : the linhardt/caspar is previously established along with shamir/catherine; i might include claude/byleth but byleth is still a Teacher in this au despite being like.. the same age as them, so i'm hesitant on that front. ]


End file.
